I love my children. LOVE them. Sometimes I just want to not hear anything they say though. Okay Devon, I know we just ate and of course you’re hungry as you’re chewing your last bite. I’ll get right on that, sir. Caitlin, I fucking love you but if you say another word I am going to be forced to roundhouse your face. With love. Kids are like husbands, I can go from feeling like I’m the luckiest person for having the chance to know you to wondering what I could have possibly done myself as a child to get kids as out-of-control as these two. It’s the absolute definition of a love-hate relationship. Sometimes I think they ask me to do stuff just to see if I’ll do it. And I will. Every time. Apparently I like the abuse.
I’ve been a mother that worked outside of the home. Those were fabulous days! I could get away and have an actual conversation that usually wouldn’t end with me having to hand over some money. Yet for some reason I always bitched about wanting to be a stay-at-home mom. What the hell was I thinking? If it wasn’t for Facebook my days would be nothing but a bunch of whining, bitching, crying aggravations. Wait a minute - that is Facebook. Sigh. Typical woman, never satisfied (shut up Vince).
Having kids does have its perks. Hello, tax refund! Sometimes when I’m lucky one of them will get me a glass of tea, which I had to make. I can boss them around and they can’t really protest too much, but they do, but I still point and yell and that makes me feel better nonetheless. I’m glad there’s no more diapers, no more car seats, no more in-store temper tantrums for candy. Now they just text the tantrum. I can handle that. Texts can be ignored. However now I have to worry about my oldest getting her driver’s license, my youngest making the ball team and the unavoidable first heartbreak over some asshole kid they should not be dating in the first place. I am not looking forward to having to beat up a 16 year old smartass. I’m pretty certain my first ever charge will be aggravated assault. Do not hurt my kids and I’ll have no reason to hurt you.
I may not be the best Mom but hey, I haven’t killed them yet. That is a win. I win parenting.