Depression has been a part of my life nearly all of my life. I was depressed before I even knew what depressed was. My first experience at school wasn’t a good one and wouldn’t improve for many years. The only friends I had didn’t go to school with me so I spent a lot of time alone, just watching everyone. A dear friend passed when I was in the sixth grade and that was the moment I had to leave that school. I saw no one but me mourning his death and I did nothing to defend him because I was afraid of being the center-of-attention and being mocked for it. I transferred schools that year. Whether it was the guilt from allowing people to make fun of him (and one of those who did so is in fact a school teacher now *shudder*) or the anger I felt at them for being so insensitive I’m not sure. But that was it. I left and never once regretted it.
My mother was depressed around the same time, hospitalized and yet still I never told a soul. I suffered with the confusion and worry alone, not wanting the attention which I was sure would be negative and also not wanting to be a problem. I won’t go in to many details on here but it was partially due to the death of her best friend. My mother received help yet to this day still struggles. I’m not sure anyone can ever be completely cured of it. I’m also not sure we don’t all suffer from it. I think everyone is depressed but some of us just stay that way.
I feel very strongly about suicide. I don’t like it, I think it’s a disgusting word. I hate it. It permanently guarantees that no solution to a problem will ever occur. It takes away someone who should by all means still be here. This doesn’t mean I hate those that have taken their own lives it simply means I hate that it is even an option. I feel like it’s in our daily vocabulary so much that kids today it just don’t get how serious and as devastating it is. That suicide is not the beginning of your story, but a tragic end. When you hear that word you shouldn’t think rock star, movie star, etc. You should think sadness, desperation and loneliness. Because that is what suicide is. It is not a claim to fame, not your legacy. Your life shouldn’t be about how you died, it should be about how you LIVED.
Recently someone very dear and near to me has struggled. This person is capable of doing quite possibly anything they want to. That’s how I know they won’t suffer long. They’ll figure this out, get on the right meds and they’ll be better for it. Sometimes you have to get that reality check. Sometimes you need that bump in the road to know there might be more. A crash course in Where The Fuck That Come From? Have any of you ever suffered with depression? Remember, you can post anonymously. Kind of like Topix, but I’ll delete that shit if I don’t like it. :)